Q: I need to be accompanied by friends all the time. I am so desperate and needy and unhappy. Help!

Human beings are social. We’re social creatures; we thrive with close connections. And it is because we needed each other to survive. So, we are naturally drawn to those close bonds that make us feel safe. Sometimes, when we have felt unsafe, we may use friends and pets and other devices for feeling that sense of safety again. And there is nothing wrong with using these incredible tools of love and connection to lift us.

The fact that I was recently reached out to and asked about whether or not that’s okay, there is an underlying insecurity, unhappiness, and loneliness going on that is causing this behavior. 

And if we have a service pet, there is nothing that I’m saying here to indicate that you need to wean off, or that you need to go cold turkey, or make any changes whatsoever. This is only if you feel like you’re using companionship as a crutch, and that you are noticing that neediness within you, and that it is causing suffering. 

So, in these instances, we can start to develop again that sense of safety within. We can heal whatever trauma we experienced. And we may find, naturally, that we no longer need companionship all the time. And that is the goal really: not to not have companionship, not to push our friends and loved ones away, but simply to be okay with and without. To accept those incredible social gatherings, and to accept when they’re over, and to feel comfortable in our skin, whether we’re surrounded by people, whether we’re surrounded by strangers, or whether we’re alone.

The way we do that is by first noticing what arises, those nervous, anxious feelings and sensations within, and being present with them, experiencing them. In doing so, they become familiar, and that discomfort becomes comfortable. And that is super important.

Because anxiety is a certain heightened state, elevated blood pressure, a faster heart rate, that vibrating, almost shaking sensation in the body, maybe even a higher body temperature, and it’s accompanied by anxious thoughts.

So, when we recognize that all it is is a set of physical changes in the body, that it’s not unbearable, not immense pain, just subtle, uncomfortable sensations, we begin to see it differently. As we notice that, the thoughts no longer control us. They don’t dictate our lives. They don’t dictate our feelings. We become witnesses to these emotions.

Then we become intimately familiar with the sensation, with the trigger, with the past trauma it brings up. And the more we get comfortable with it, the safer and more secure we begin to feel, because it’s the discomfort that we’re resisting.

But when we allow that discomfort to exist, when we become intimately familiar with it, it’s no longer some scary, foreign enemy. It becomes, quite simply, a part, a small part, of our field of consciousness.

And that field of consciousness includes our thoughts, our emotions, our bodily sensations, and everything happening around us. Everything that is happening is equally important. It’s only when we put our entire focus on those thoughts that we lose touch with reality. And when we lose ourselves, we feel ungrounded, uncentered, out of balance, and that’s often when we turn to some sort of crutch.

In this case, it might be companionship. But it could also be drugs or alcohol, comfort food, or any other bad habit we normally rely on to relieve uncomfortable emotions.

Instead, we can choose to sit with those emotions. And over time, they become more comfortable simply by becoming more familiar. This is a healthy way to build inner strength, because we’re cultivating the ability to sit with our fears and discomforts, rather than escape them.