We often notice that when people are faking positivity and pressuring positivity, we tend to find that this is really a desperate cry for help. Because they are unable to face reality. They want to face a fantasy. And it’s a fragile and unstable happiness.

I’m going to say something a little controversial — but it’s true: toxic positivity doesn’t actually exist.

What we usually mean when we say “toxic positivity” is two things:

1. A person is suppressing, repressing, or avoiding the negativity buried within them.
   They do this by deluding themselves, lying to themselves about what’s really going on under the surface, and ignoring the negativity bubbling underneath.
   
   
2. Someone else is pressuring us to be positive — to look at the bright side, to forgive, to trust in the universe — in ways they believe are helping, but in reality feel like toxic positivity.
   
   

And when that happens, that person is usually suffering from the first kind of toxic positivity. They’re trying to suppress something that someone else is feeling, something very real, because witnessing that feeling triggers their own negativity, the same negativity they have been stuffing down.

So their way of managing their discomfort is to mask someone else’s emotions with positivity, covering it with pretty makeup, and living in a fantasy world of delusion and self-delusion.

The Difficulty of Witnessing Reality

When someone is struggling, to deny their reality is to deny an aspect of our shared reality. And it is often more difficult for a person to witness someone struggling than it is to simply be there for them and give space to that reality.

True positivity is the allowing of what is. It gives healing space because the pain inside us needs space to breathe. It needs to wear itself out without the added energy of stuffing it down or acting out in rage. It needs a place to express itself so it can burn through its fuel like a fire, without adding more fuel to it.

When someone tells us to “look on the bright side” or “just forgive,” it’s like telling a bird not to be a bird. Feelings are real. If changing them were easy, we would all be blissed out all the time.

The Harm of Forced Positivity

Someone forcing positivity on us is usually well-meaning. They genuinely believe they’re helping, that they’re giving us the magic words that will change our mood and mindset.

But this creates more suffering.
The person hearing it will feel like a failure for not being able to change their mindset. If they could do that, they would already be blissed out. Nothing would get them down.

And yes — we can reach a place of presence and mindfulness where emotions don’t consume us. We can witness our own stress as it rises and allow it to be. We can hold space for ourselves the way we wish others would.

Not everyone can hold that space.
Some of the people who seem like they have it all together, the ones giving advice and Instagram quotes, are not as grounded in reality as the person expressing their true feelings. And that’s okay.

Being the Space for Ourselves

If people can’t be there for us, if people give bad advice, that’s okay. We can’t control others. But we can be that space for ourselves.

And it simply starts with whatever arises.
We don’t force it away.
We don’t give it energy.
We don’t stuff it down with unhealthy coping — drinking, shopping, gossiping — all of which give brief pleasure but not lasting happiness.

Hopefully, we reach a place of mutual understanding where we can speak clearly and lovingly to someone whose words aren’t helpful, and where they can do the same with us. And if that ability to connect isn’t there, we don’t crave what someone doesn’t have the capacity to give. We create healthy boundaries, and we seek comfort elsewhere.

We always have the ability to be the space.

Expanding Awareness

We have so much unexpanded awareness within us. We can close our eyes, sit with our thoughts, and expand into the room we’re in. We can feel the sensations in our body, so we are not only thinking those thoughts.

This is not about avoiding or repressing negativity. It’s about expanding beyond it, so heavy emotions do not take up our entire frame of mind. We make them smaller by noticing everything else happening in the moment.

When we naturally turn our attention to the sensations in our fingertips, the feeling of the chair beneath us, the room around us, those thoughts and that pain become less overwhelming. Not gone, but no longer so big that we stay lost in them.

This is how we unburden ourselves, with or without someone to help us.

There is always space around us and space within us.
And in that space is peace.
And in that peace is healing — healing from all the chaos of life.

Healing Through Presence

We can slow down our thoughts. We can notice the nature of thoughts instead of just the words. We can see how they come and go, impermanent, like everything in this universe. This is a great gift. It allows us to let go of whatever is weighing us down.

To focus on delusion, or to pressure someone to delude themselves, is to fight with reality.

And again, we notice this:
When people are faking positivity or pressuring positivity, it is usually a desperate cry for help. They cannot face reality. They want a fantasy. And that fantasy is fragile, a happiness they must protect at all cost.

Delusion and denial are universal. We do them out of necessity because we cannot be crying all day at work. We naturally compartmentalize what we feel so we can function.

But if we don’t give ourselves time, at the end of the day or the beginning of the morning, to allow what is there to heal through feeling, it remains unprocessed.

Through space, we build true, healthy positivity.

“Toxic Positivity” Is Masked Negativity

I call toxic positivity masked negativity, because it is unwilling to look at the truth. Sometimes people are simply feeling unpleasant sensations, having unpleasant thoughts, and life is in an undesirable place.

If we give ourselves space, we can give space to others.
And that speeds up healing for everyone.

So if someone says:
“Cheer up.”
“Look on the bright side.”
“God has a plan.”
“This is all for the best.”
“Why don’t you just forgive?”
“You’re too negative.”

— Remember that you are being honest. Through truth, we become free.

We just need to trust that we can hold space for ourselves, and trust that this magical universe and these magical bodies are designed to heal from anything. Everything is temporary. We will get through it.

But don’t rush it.
It is the peace we create around our negative feelings that heals them.

Acceptance Over Resistance

If we internalize someone telling us to “move on,” or telling us to “look on the bright side” when all we see is darkness, we enter even darker territory. It creates unnecessary stress on an already stressed mind and body.

Instead of changing the thoughts or the story, see if you can introduce acceptance and even love. Not love for the negative event, but love for the negativity within us.

Don’t force it.
Just sit with it.
Be with it.
Honor it.

Because all of this helps us accept the reality that is already there. We have only two choices: accept or resist. If it’s already happening, resistance is futile.

Don’t let anyone shame you.
If someone gives bad advice, stay strong in knowing you are simply feeling what is there, unafraid to look at something that may scare someone else.

And sometimes, the worst-case scenario is actually a blessing:
We learn who is not the best person to share our deepest thoughts with.
And that is a great thing.