What do you do if your partner is spiritually at a different place than you are?

Ultimately, this question comes down to two things. There are really two broad stages of spirituality and spiritual development. Of course, within each stage there are many levels, but we can loosely divide them into beginner and advanced, those new, inexperienced meditators and mindful practitioners, and those who have been on the path for a long time, with years or even tens of thousands of hours of practice.

Something very common in the early phase of spirituality is that we begin tearing down the walls we’ve built in our minds. We start opening our hearts to the world. We allow ourselves to experience oneness, to get out of our heads and into the here and now. This is a vulnerable stage, because we are opening ourselves up in a way we are not yet familiar with.

As a result, we can become very sensitive. We may feel deeply empathetic. We can suffer greatly from the suffering of people around us. And this is often when questions arise like, “My partner isn’t meditating,” or “My partner doesn’t want to go down the spiritual path with me.”

The frustration that comes from this is actually the old way of thinking. It’s not the spiritual way of looking at things. The old way tries to perfect external circumstances, to create an environment that will allow us to feel peaceful and joyful.

Advanced meditators, people who have been on this path for a long time, are deeply familiar with openness. They are confident in vulnerability. They no longer need the walls. They can witness whatever life throws at them, good or bad, while maintaining a peaceful presence. They understand that inner peace and joy are independent of what is happening around them.

They know that they, and they alone, are responsible for their happiness and peace. They don’t expect the world to practice with them. They don’t expect others to be as kind or compassionate as someone who has trained in compassion daily for years.

The good news is that we don’t need to meditate for decades to gain insight from this second stage. We can begin simply by noticing when the old tendency creeps back in, the desire to control situations, to ensure nothing disturbs us, to blame others for our stress.

When we notice this, that becomes our practice. It becomes a reminder to turn inward and recognize the true cause of stress. And that cause is always our unconscious mental reaction to something happening outside of us.

When we are dating or choosing a life partner, we do make conscious choices. We don’t approach relationships like a monk who dates the first person they meet and says, “I must practice acceptance and marry this person no matter what.” We are not obligated to stay with anyone who doesn’t align with our values. We are free to leave, mindfully, compassionately, and respectfully.

However, if we have unrealistic expectations, if we are searching for a metaphorical identical twin who eats like us, thinks like us, and lives exactly as we do, we will likely end up alone. No two people share the same life experience. And even if we found someone identical, we might find it boring or limiting rather than enriching.

What matters most in a relationship is different for everyone. For some, religion is essential. For others, lifestyle, food, or values matter more. No partner will check every box, and that’s okay. A romantic partner doesn’t need to be our best friend, therapist, housekeeper, nanny, coworker, comedian, and spiritual guide all at once.

What matters to us will also change as we grow. So the key is staying connected to our center, the calm eye of the storm, our true inner compass. This is often obscured by a chaotic mind and a chaotic society, but it is our middle path, our true north.

When we are connected to that place, we will know what is right in each situation. We stop seeing our partner as the person who frustrates us and instead see a complete human being. We recognize that people are always changing, growing, and evolving. They are complex, with infinite depth and infinite potential for love, kindness, and transformation, just like us.

If you are questioning whether a relationship is right, make sure the issue isn’t a need to control. Make sure you’re not blaming someone else for unhappiness that is arising within you. That is never easy. Something may have triggered the reaction, but we did not have to respond with stress.

There are people who can hear insults and respond with compassion, because they recognize that those who hurt others are hurting themselves.

And here’s an important reminder: when we meditate for a while and have a profound, blissful experience, it can feel like we’ve become the Buddha. Suddenly, everyone around us seems unenlightened and irritating. Hate to break it to you, we weren’t enlightened. Neither was I.

We had a glimpse. A moment of insight. These experiences are common, and it’s equally common to mistake them for permanent transformation. But the truth is, we can never fully control our surroundings. We cannot create perfect conditions where nothing ever triggers stress, anxiety, or sadness. There will always be something.

The wise understand this. Since external circumstances cannot be controlled, the work must be internal. We can always become more patient, compassionate, loving, and kind. Every moment that upsets us is a golden opportunity to respond more skillfully.

A true practitioner understands human nature and is surprised by nothing. They don’t try to change others. 

If someone asks for help, they offer a hand. 

If someone shows interest, they share wisdom. 

Otherwise, they live as an example, because inspiration is the most powerful motivator.

Fear, force, and preaching never work. People do the minimum when coerced. But when inspired, they act even when no one is watching.

It’s also important to remember: if we are suffering because others aren’t as spiritual as we think they should be, then we are not as spiritual as we believe. Spirituality, at its core, is about ending desire, ending the need for things to be different. It is about accepting what is and letting go of the rest.

When we truly walk this path, no one can bring us down. We may choose to leave or change a situation, but we are not attached to the outcome.

When we see our partners through this lens, we accept and love their imperfections. We don’t try to change them. Love becomes the healing force. Often, love and compassion are far more transformative than suggesting meditation or mindfulness.

There’s a funny phenomenon when someone discovers something new, especially spirituality or diets. They become evangelists. Everyone must do this thing, or they’re wrong. It’s normal, but it’s something to watch.

Sharing is natural. Forcing is unconscious. Mindfulness helps us sense how things are being received.

And we must watch for arrogance. Awareness can feel like a superpower. But true spirituality is rooted in humility, compassion, and egolessness.

One person may meditate daily. Their partner may not meditate at all, but may be incredibly loving, generous, and kind. That can be a perfect relationship. Not everyone needs to walk the same path in the same way.

If we suffer because someone isn’t doing what we think would help them, that suffering belongs to us. Their path is theirs. Ours is ours.

Accept people as they are. Live by example. Love without expectation. Be a safe refuge. And even if change never comes, love remains enough.

If, after deep reflection, there are truly irreconcilable differences, a mindful and loving separation is also a valid path.

I’ll leave you with a quote I once heard and can’t find again, so I’ll paraphrase:

A fool looks to others to blame for how they feel.
The wise know they alone are responsible for how they feel.