When it comes to raising children, there is no one right way and one wrong way. This isn’t about bulldozer parenting, helicopter parenting, or free-range parenting. This is about the energy we carry with us, energy that children pick up like sponges.

Even when we are not screaming or panicking right in front of a child, they can sense what is happening beneath the surface. Our words and the way we communicate our hopes and dreams for them, often carry our worry, stress, and fear. That is why it’s so important that we learn to release our stress.

We are all stressed, but children, even more than adults, are sensitive to it. They absorb that stress and reflect it back to us. And because they don’t yet have the tools adults may have, it often turns into anxiety, pressure, worry, and fear, many of the things afflicting young people today.

This is why we must recognize how we may be placing pressure on our children, and why bringing a calm energy to them is so essential. One of the most important ways we do this is by letting go of the expectation that children shouldn’t make mistakes.

Step 1) Teach Them It’s Okay

This is one of the most valuable lessons we can teach: that it is okay to be wrong, okay to fail, and okay to make mistakes. That is how we learn and grow. When children feel safe to make mistakes, they can work with joy and curiosity instead of fear and pressure. This is how everyone does their best work.

We have to let go of the idea of a perfect child. We allow them to make mistakes and then lovingly guide them. This does not mean allowing bad behavior; it means correcting without anger. There is no need for a child to feel they must be perfect. Often, this pressure comes from our own anxieties that we unconsciously project onto them.

When we become aware of the impact this has, we are more likely to take responsibility for our own worries and fears, and trust that our children will survive their mistakes. Passing our neuroses onto them is not the way to raise a happy child or a happy adult, which is the ultimate goal.

This also means we don’t allow bad behavior and then respond with anger. We don’t have to mirror their energy at all. Instead, we bring calmness and allow them to reflect that energy.

Think of a child who scrapes their knee. A parent might rush over, panicked and terrified, which causes the child to freak out and start crying. But another parent might calmly say, “That’s nothing, you’ll be fine,” and the child doesn’t cry at all. Children understand the world through the eyes of adults, the people with more experience who have lived longer.

This is why teaching children that mistakes are okay — inevitable, even — is so powerful. Mistakes are wonderful learning opportunities. This mindset replaces fear of failure, perfectionism, and constant pressure with play, exploration, and growth. When children love to learn, there’s no need for fear or force to motivate them.

Step 2) Help Them Discover Presence

The second thing we can do is help children release their own stress and discover presence. One of the most effective ways to do this when they are acting out is simply to sit with them calmly. It’s almost like guiding them into meditation. We sit, breathe with them, and help them let the emotion move through their system. Our breath and heart rates begin to synchronize.

These mindfulness skills are essential. They help children step out of their thoughts and realize that impulses and emotions are not in control of them, that they are in control. They learn this by shifting their attention to their breath, to their parent, or to anything in the present moment. It could be a flower, clouds in the sky, whatever brings them into the here and now. That is the gateway to peace.

This doesn’t mean allowing tantrums in public. We can lovingly pull them aside and help them calm down. But responding with anger teaches children that anger is justified, that there is always something to be angry about, even when kids are simply being kids.

Kids will be kids. They will mess up. When we truly accept this reality, there is nothing a child can do that needs to upset us. Everything an innocent child does is simply part of learning and growing.

When we remain a loving, peaceful presence through the ups and downs, children will come to us when they need help. They won’t feel alone or afraid to speak. This is how we truly care for our children, by building a deep connection rooted in love, presence, and acceptance.

Children are incredibly sensitive to the feeling of conditional love, the sense that “I did something wrong, so now I’m not worthy,” or “I have to earn love again.” This may create a “good” child, but that child often grows into a people-pleaser who puts everyone else first.

Over time, these individuals may burn out, feel empty, or become vulnerable to being taken advantage of, because they never learned that their worth was inherent. That’s why it’s essential to raise children who are strong, independent, and never question their value.