I understand how hard it can be when people don’t treat us the way we would treat others. It is disappointing, disheartening, and discouraging. People are messy and relationships can be very complicated, but we enter into them because of the immense meaning and purpose they bring.
To hold onto anger and resentment is to give up on people everywhere. It’s a battlefield out there, but we only have 3 options.
1) Become a recluse and avoid people.
2) Keep getting disappointed by people.
3) Keep trying, keep healing, keep putting yourself out there, keep taking chances for love, don’t give up on what your heart wants, forgive quick and often (this is an internal process and doesn’t mean trying to get back together with an ex), enjoy the journey whatever it may bring, allow it all to be OK, the good and the bad, and keep picking up and collecting the kind-hearted people you meet along the way.
How to Stop Carrying Old Relationship Trauma Into New Ones
No matter what we are suffering from, it tends to stem from us being stuck to a mental story about that thing that happened. Usually, the thing itself is long over, but we are unable to let go of the past. The past then shapes our present and can dictate our future as well.
When we have been through a traumatic experience, there’s really two things we need to do to heal from that trauma.
Step 1) Become More Aware And More Present
The first thing is to really be aware of all the ways that the traumatic situation has affected us. Oftentimes, it comes out unconsciously. We may assume a person is thinking something based on the way a past relationship dynamic took place.
So if in one situation, a person reacted to a certain thing in a certain negative way, we may assume that someone else is going to have that same reaction. And we then respond unconsciously, and we project another person’s psyche onto a present relationship.
We assume that every person will traumatize us, will react negatively in the same way, and we fall back into old patterns where we are not dealing with the person in front of us, we are dealing with a person from our past.
And so we need to become aware of every way that a person has affected us. And we need to maintain that awareness in these moments where we regress into our habitual reaction. By maintaining our present moment awareness, we can respond instead of react.
We can choose love instead of anger or projection. Because only when we are present and aware can we see what is happening as it’s really happening, and see it for what it really is. When we lose ourselves in our thoughts, and we start that habitual thinking and projection, we start to assume what the other person is thinking, what they meant.
And oftentimes, we assume the worst, because we’ve experienced the worst. When we stay present, we are calm, we’re not jumping to conclusions in our mind, and we are able to give people the benefit of the doubt — people who are not the ones who traumatized us. Rebuilding that inner security is a crucial step when it comes to trust and finding love again. So it’s very important that we practice staying present. And there are many ways to do that.
Meditation and the Universe as Conscious
Meditation is a powerful practice for becoming present. Observing something in the present moment repeatedly and consistently, whether it’s a mantra or our breath. But we can turn every moment of our daily life into a practice for present moment awareness.
One of my favorite ways to do this is to think of the universe as conscious, which it may very well be. One of the amazing aspects of the universe is that matter only appears when it is observed. There have been scientific experiments that have proven this, particles act like energy, and then when they are observed, they collapse down into a state of matter.
And it’s almost as though when observed, the universe says, “Oh no, someone’s looking, quick, act like matter.” And so it’s very possible that the universe is conscious.
When we treat the universe as conscious, when we act as though it is an entity that we can show care and compassion and mindfulness to, just like we show it to a pet, when we caress and pet it, and are gentle and mindful with it, something shifts.
When we treat the entire universe this way, we become mindful in every moment of our life. Instead of just touching a table, we really feel the table with our full senses. We feel the seat we’re sitting on with our full attention and mindfulness.
We treat the universe like it has feelings and cares about how we feel. In doing so, we have a relationship with the universe instead of feeling separate from it. In this way, whenever we touch anything, which is always touching something, we give it our full attention. We feel every little sensation.
We become more gentle, more mindful, and more present. With that little shift in consciousness, that when we treat the universe well, it will treat us well, we open ourselves to a world of possibility and create a habit of being present and mindful.
This is one of the most powerful practices we can do. And it doesn’t matter if the universe is conscious or not. Because all that happens is everything seems a little more magical, and we become much more present, mindful, and alive.
When we become our most mindful, gentle selves, then in any relationship, in any moment, we are not going to react unconsciously. We’re not going to put up walls and get defensive. We’re not going to lose our temper or get angry.
We treat everyone as the soulful energy and consciousness that they are. We treat everything in the universe with the same compassion, gentleness, and mindfulness. In this way, we stop lashing out at others, we stop reverting back to old habitual patterns, and we stop treating our loved ones as though they are someone who hurt us.
In this way, relationships improve, our level of peace expands, and we feel a deep connection to everything and everyone around us.
There is even a great deal of scientific exploration happening right now into the conscious universe, and the idea that from consciousness, all matter has been created. It is very compelling research.
You’re not crazy to do this. And all it does is make life more interesting and fun. It’s not about whether it is real or not, it’s about the effects of looking at the universe as a conscious universe.
So that is number one, the step for becoming more aware and more present.
Step 2) Heal Trauma in the Body
The second step is to recognize that we hold trauma not just in our mind, but in our body. It is very important to physically release that trauma. There are many ways to do that as well. Yoga and exercise are incredibly powerful for loosening the body and burning off that stress-response adrenaline chemical that accumulates.
Self-love is super important, whatever that looks like for you. It is so important that we show ourselves the love that we lacked in the past when we developed that trauma. It could be massages, it could be watching comedy and laughter — getting that guttural, visceral reaction of laughter, which is so healing and so powerful.
It’s essential to recognize in our body where we are holding on to this stress. Are our muscles tense? Are we holding our breath or shallow breathing? We can do some deep, slow, calm breathing, not stressed, not forced, not so deep that it’s tensing our body, but naturally paying attention to our breath, slowing it down, and allowing that rich oxygen to get to our muscles and truly heal our body from the inside out.
The breath is so powerful. Simply taking deep breaths, the more the better, every chance you can take a conscious deep breath brings you into the present moment and can release any tension we’re holding on to.
Any kind of reminder that we put around the house that says “breathe,” “don’t forget to breathe,” “just breathe”, whatever it is for you, even a little Buddha statue, anything that reminds you to remember your breath will instantly transport you into the present moment and remind your body to relax. It is so important that we do this throughout the day.
One conscious breath completely disrupts our constant train of thought and creates an entirely new train of thought that is positive and based on that present-moment, peaceful, calm awareness. Just one moment of that can instantly transform your day, your life, your relationships.
So be sure that you allow your body to recognize the tension that we’re all holding on to and release it.
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How to Fix Resentment Towards Your Partner and Heal Your Heart
All resenting stems from resisting. Resentment comes from resisting another person’s actions, behaviors and habits. Instead of allowing the person to be, we silently resist who they are. That silent resistance turns into spoken or unspoken anger, distance and mutual hardship.
The absolute best thing we can do when feeling resentment is to go from resisting to enlisting. Instead of feeling like we must either fight or silently suffer, we can enlist the other person. We enlist by lovingly teaching and showing by example. We show the proper way through our being, and we enlist our partners to join in.
Releasing Resentment in Relationships and Past Connections
We keep blame and fault out of the equation. Through love, we heal resentment and we are more likely to invoke change from the other person.
When people feel attacked, they never learn. When one partner suffers in silence, the other partner never learns. Only through love, kindness and patience has anyone been able to grow and evolve. Not everyone will change at the pace we might wish them to, but at least you did not lose your inner peace.
Shifting Your Perspective to Protect Your Inner Peace
Everyone has their own demons to work through. We can’t control anyone. But, if we are unable to be that patient and loving teacher, that only shows us the work we still have to do on ourselves.
This is what Gandhi meant when he said, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him.”
You Are This Moment
Step off the wheel of overthinking and experience what happens when you finally let go of the noise. This award-winning film offers a powerful visual immersion into quiet awareness, inner stillness, and the beauty of being right here.
