Love isn’t always easy. Usually the journey to finding true love is filled with heartache, anger, sadness and depression. But also joy, comfort, companionship, laughter and fun. Unless you get so lucky as to marry your first date, there will be some heartbreak. Fortunately however, there are some ways to help you trust finding love again after being hurt.
To quote Pat Benatar, love is a battlefield. Sometimes we get hurt. Times can look bleak. But if we persevere, we can succeed in our mission. At any age, after any number of marriages, no matter who you are, love is out there waiting to find you.
So, let’s explore some ways to heal from traumatic relationships, how to attract a mate, and how meditation and mindfulness can help with both so that we can trust finding love again.
To Find Romantic Love, We Must Practice Universal Love
After hard breakups, it’s easy to be bitter. It’s easy to see the world as cruel. We may think that there’s nobody out there for us and why even bother trying.
But, the secret to overcoming these feelings is universal love. Universal love is the practice of loving everyone and every thing platonically. This is a powerful practice that opens our hearts and minds to the universe.
I know it can be hard at first, but not loving universally is what creates bitterness and resentment. It creates judgements and negative opinions that fill up our mind and disturb our peace. Loving even those who’ve hurt you does nothing for them, but it does everything for you. You don’t have to spend time with them, but internally you are letting go of hatred and welcoming in love.
One way to practice universal love is with curiosity rather than judgement. Ask yourself, why would this person have acted this way? What trauma have they experienced? What in their upbringing made them like this? Did society support them or let them down? You will always find that we are all shaped by our experiences. Some us were lucky enough to great parents and great teachers. Many of us were not.
Universal love doesn’t mean letting all the criminals out of prison. That would be foolish. Universal love on the other hand comes from wisdom. But, what it does mean is that maybe we wish to rehabilitate prisoners rather than inflict vengeful punishment on people who will one day be released anyway.
This powerful loving-kindness guided meditation video is a great way to start practicing universal love.
Being Present Can Help Us Trust in Finding Love Again
All breakup pain is caused by focusing on a breakup in the past or a lack of hope on finding love in the future. We became attached to a person and detachment causes suffering. Or, we became attached to the idea of being with someone and being alone causes suffering.
In all of these situations, we’ve become fixated on the past or on some imagined future. We obsess over the past or the future. And we are not mindful of the present moment, where life and everything else is actually happening.
We must practice meditation and mindfulness to be present. Mindfulness is becoming aware of the nature of our mind and the cause of our suffering. Meditation is the mind-training for being more present and focused with our awareness. As we rest our awareness in the present moment, the weight of our past and future becomes greatly diminished.
How to Be Present to Trust Finding Love Again After Being Hurt
To practice this, we simply have to observe our outer world and our inner world more. Observing whatever is happening in the now. This shoots us into the present moment when we simply observe the now without labels or judgements. Just notice the reflection of light off of whatever you’re looking at. Pay attention to your thoughts. Scan your body and notice any sensations you feel. Observe all the details of your in breath and out breath. This will automatically calm you down and release any tension.
Then, when we’re ready to start dating again, you’ll be more present on dates. You’ll be responding rather than overthinking. You’ll be less self-conscious and more confident because you’re out of your head and in the present moment. This is highly attractive.
Letting Go of the Past and the Future Helps Us Trust Finding Love Again
You have to let go of expectations and just go with the flow. The right person is out there but you will find them at the universe’s schedule. The more you put yourself out there, the sooner it will happen.
Let go of any timeframes, ideas about dating, ideas about true love, and just be. Don’t let past experiences color your perception of all people because everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way.
Healing from the Trauma of Relationships Past
Before getting back out there, healing is important. Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Losing a loved one, whether from death or a breakup, hurts the same. Here is a great article on how to use meditation and mindfulness to help with grieving that really applies here as well.
Take time for self-care. Feel through your feelings. Don’t resist or ignore your feelings because then they will just stay buried. Observe how you fixate on the negative and remember to think about the positive. There’s always 9 positive things for every 1 negative thing that happens. But when we grieve, we tend to only focus on the bad. This kind of negative fixation is a lack of mindfulness to the totality of the situation.
Simply expand your awareness by turning your focus to the good. Whether that’s the good times you had with that person, or that you now have the opportunity to find someone even more right for you.
The Law of Attracting a Mate
The less you focus on an outcome, the more you attract. When your goals are simply to have a good time and not finding a mate, you both will have a better time.
As people, we can sense desperation, neediness and insecurity. The key to attraction is simply presence. When we see an actor who is magnetic, we say, That person has an amazing presence.” In reality, what we mean is that the person is 100% present. They seem care-free and confident because they are not in their head. They have no ulterior motives and they appear genuine and relaxed.
This is the state we must be in for attraction and it is possible for everyone with practice. It’s about being comfortable in your shoes. This comes from knowing yourself and knowing yourself comes from meditation. When we meditate, we spend time with ourselves without any distractions. We observe our deepest thoughts with 100% focus and attention.
Know Thyself and Know Thy Value
The more we know ourselves, the more confidence we exude, the more relaxed we are, and the more at peace we are in any circumstance. If a date goes bad, no bother because self-worth isn’t tied to external validation.
This peace and joy you exude when you have not a care in the world about any outcome other than this moment will be contagious. People will want to spend time around you. You will create an energy field around that will make others feel more at ease. Furthermore, they will want to be around you more.
Some people may be so in their head and struggling that they don’t recognize your own energy. That’s ok too. They were never meant for you. But the right person on the right wavelength is out there and you can trust and know that you will find love again.
There is No Choice But to Be an Optimist
You have to keep hope alive. Life without hope is no life at all. There are many people out there who will bring magic to your life. Never forget that.
People think we have 3 options in life: be an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist. But can you see the future? No? Great, me neither. That means that being realistic is a myth. Realistim is usually pessimism in disguise.
Being optimistic doesn’t mean expecting everything to go right. It means simply hoping that it does. If it doesn’t, that’s ok too because your mind is now in a habit of constantly looking for positive solutions and believing that positive outcomes will still come. If something goes wrong, you still know that this will pass and that something positive is just around the corner.
Optimism trains our brains to see the good in life, even if something we hoped for goes wrong. It’s a mindset of positivity over despair. It’s a mindset that helps us keep going when all looks lost.
There is nothing naive about optimism. It is a conscious, wise realization that there is good and bad in everything, that everything is constantly changing, and a choice to keep going with a great attitude.
You will find love. And more importantly, as every celibate monk knows, you can even love being alone until you meet that right person.
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