When the Toxic Person is Your Kid
There is no secret recipe for raising perfect kids. There are countless influences in the world and not all of them are positive. A parent can not control everything a child hears, sees, and experiences.
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, kids can fall into drugs, a bad crowd, disrespect, and a refusal to listen. Parents are not robots, and it’s normal to get frustrated and reach a breaking point. In today’s article, I share some ways parents can keep their peace despite a lack of peace in the home.
Parental Reassurance
“I’ve Tried Everything and Nothing Works”
If you are reading this, you are clearly a devoted, deeply concerned parent. These things happen despite doing absolutely everything for our children. We can’t change people unfortunately, but we can create the most supportive environment for that change to take place. Part of that involves:
- Letting go and realizing we can’t control others. Often, that grasping, forceful energy we place on others pushes them away.
- Create a loving, inviting space so they know they’ll be welcomed in your arms for help one day (soon hopefully).
- Realize that you can only do your best, everyone makes their own choices, and remember that as people grow older, they tend to naturally grow up as well.
The Truth About Guiding Toxic Children
The universe is unfolding, with or without our consent. We can act in the world to bend it, shape it, and mold that unfolding. But we cannot fight it. We can work with it, but if we work against it we will only create our own suffering and waste all our energy. When we flow with the universe, we act without attachment to a future outcome. We act upon the world but we do so with stillness in our heart. This is how we can impact the world without depression if we fail.
We can work towards our parenting goals, we can work incredibly hard and put in tremendous effort, but we don’t have to attach our present moment happiness to some future event. This is what it means to flow.
You, like the universe and like every flower on Earth, can allow your life to open and unfold effortlessly and with peace. It’s just the repeated practice of accepting this moment, and then letting it go.
The Key to Peacefully Parenting a Complex Child
Hold onto your convictions, protect your inner peace, and respond with love—both toward your child and yourself.
- Acceptance is not endorsement: Embracing the present reality does not mean you support, condone, or feel happy about toxic behavior.
- Find peace in the present: Acknowledging reality as simply the temporary truth of this moment releases the friction of resistance and opens the path to calm, steady boundaries.
Parenting a struggling child requires a fundamentally different approach depending on their age. Below, we break down how to navigate this dynamic in two distinct phases: when your child is under 18, and how your role shifts once they turn 18.
Case 1) What to Do & How to Raise Toxic Children Under 18
When children are under 18, they are not just our legal responsibility, they are also our opportunity. Under 18, we have more ability to shape and mold our children into responsible adults.
We must find that middle path — the balance — between acceptance and strictness, between backing off and discipline, and between authority and trusting them. But love must always be our center. Love is the sturdy foundational base for all relationships to blossom.
Love won’t just provide healing to a troubled child acting out. It will heal you as the parent and sustain you through the most challenging moments.
Remember, no matter how hard it is to see, rebellion and misbehavior are always signs of a troubled child. We use drugs because we are sad or have negative thoughts and emotions. We are impulsive because the present moment is unbearable.
Being a child is tough! I remember when I was a kid. I often felt pressure to be mean or callous or uncaring to be seen as cool by the other cool kids. There are bullies, unfair teachers, and dishonest people. It’s a minefield.
There is a very real pressure on children to develop a hard shell, to conform, and to look and act tough. Some schools can feel like there are the prey and the predators, and you have to choose a predator to survive.
When we help our children feel safe and peaceful at home, they can heal their trauma response which has caused them to become tough or self-destructive.
When we discover the lasting source of happiness within, both parents and children, there is never a need to act out or disrupt that harmony of a home. The more parents can become peaceful and create that safe environment (while simultaneously creating safe boundaries and rules) the more children can become peaceful as well.
Those rebellious teenage years are the perfect time to teach children meditation and presence. They are both old enough to learn, and they are at the age where they will get the most benefits and create a foundation of skills that will help them throughout their lives.
Everyone wants to be happy and peaceful. When we don’t know how, we turn to drugs and other bad influences that can at least mask their anger and sadness. Even rebellious teens can be very receptive to these transformative spiritual tools.
🌱 Feeling Completely Exhausted? When traditional strategies fail and you feel you’ve reached your limit, read my guide on what to do when there is no hope left to find grounded peace amidst chaotic family dynamics.
Case 2) What to Do for Children Over 18
When children turn 18, even though they are adults in the eye of the law, a parent’s job is never over. But that job does change over time and we need to embrace every phase.
It can seem like at this age we lose our children, but we can also gain a friend. As we shift from a parental (legal) guardian toward an older and wiser guide, sometimes the best our children can hope for from us is the space to learn from their mistakes on their own.
The key in this phase is to find the middle path between personal boundaries (don’t get taken advantage of) and still supporting our children’s growth and evolution (still being there for them through thick and thin).
Every parent wants close connections with their children, AND they want their children to grow up to be respectful and responsible individuals. So we have to find that balance between nonjudgmental guidance and knowing when to get off their backs.
The way we do this is by staying present in every moment with our children. The moment will tell us precisely what is needed. It will tell us when our blood pressure is getting too high. It will tell us when we’re not getting through to them. And it will tell us when the right moment is to just listen and be there for them.
There is no greater practice for parenting than practicing presence. A lot of times, troubled children have developed bad habits and addictions (this can be drugs but it can also be as subtle as phone addiction). So the more we can be present with our children, the more they can become present and relaxed as well. When we are relaxed and content, we don’t act out and we can actually hear what our loved ones are saying.
🧘 Reclaiming Your Inner Joy: Your peace cannot remain hostage to your adult child’s choices. Learn how to stop relying on others for happiness so you can maintain stability no matter what happens around you.
Deepen Your Quiet Mind & Protect Your Inner Peace
Download Todd’s free 4-book collection to discover timeless, practical wisdom on staying centered, rising above daily stress and toxic dynamics, and anchoring your soul in unshakable peace.
How to Become Present with Your Toxic Child
Rebelliousness is by definition, a lack of peace and contentment. It is a rebellion from what is, because what is, is unbearable.
Kids don’t know how to develop inner peace, to practice quieting the mind, or nourish the source of inner joy within. We tell them to “Focus!” but we never teach them how. It’s not their fault. And most parents don’t know either.
Presence is a great opportunity we can give to our children that will help them for the rest of their lives. The younger we learn it, the easier it is to unlearn years of chaotic thinking, instead of decades.
So start creating some space and silence in the house. Set some rules around phone use. See if they’d be interested in meditating together. And share some techniques to become more aware of this perfect and peaceful present moment.
Kids are quick learners and can be more receptive than some parents think. The practice of meditation is the practice of peace, patience and calmness.
Mindfulness activities throughout the day create a habit of staying aware of our thoughts, so that our impulsive thoughts lose their power over us. It’s never too early or too late to learn these incredible life-changing skills.
ALONENESS TO ONENESS
A transformative documentary on stepping beyond the ego, shifting from loneliness to aloneness, and recognizing our shared interconnected nature.
“Loneliness is when being alone causes suffering, but aloneness is ultimately recognizing others as yourself—realizing that you are one with everything.”
