Q: Dear Todd, I got separated from someone I truly liked and every other minute a good or bad memory of him comes up. It’s been 4 months now. I didn’t know what happened. It was a shock for me and then I had to guess and accept what might have happened, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. All emotions, and thoughts arise from that incident and everything also leads to it. Can you please suggest something? It’s difficult to live like this.
TODD ANSWERS: That is one of the hardest things we humans can go through and it doesn’t get talked about enough. Dating is like constantly losing a loved one (until that last first date when we finally find that special person we were meant for). In many ways, it can be worse than losing a loved one because when we lose someone in dating, it’s painful AND it’s confusing. We blame ourselves, we get angry at the other person. It is a tornado of destructive emotions.
The good news is that we can heal from this kind of trauma. We can move on. The key is to let these negative emotions show you where you still need to heal. Even if we are 99% healed and over it, then we are really still not healed and over it. I recommend a few ways to heal from trauma, but they all have to do with turning our anger and pain into love and forgiveness. To do this, I have made a loving-kindness video on YouTube, which if done regularly can lessen the intense emotions we feel towards the loss and the other person. I also recommend meditating on this person. What that looks like is, meditate for a few minutes, then think of this person and all the things about them that are upsetting, then go back to meditation to calm your body and mind back down, then repeat, finishing with a peaceful relaxing meditation. By practicing this in the safety and serenity of a meditation cushion, it will help you naturally regulate your body’s nervous system whenever your attention turns to him throughout the day.
In the end, you’ll find that there’s really no need for closure or to understand. A person who leaves isn’t the one. That is the closure. All we can do in this kind of situation is let go so we can make room for the even better guy we didn’t even know existed. Hope that helps.
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