Q: Dear Todd, my problem is: I am someone who saw and recognized my same-sex attraction from a young age. Over time, I surrendered to such behavior and came into contact with men. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man for several years. With whom I broke up some time ago, even though I had everything that every “gay” would want. The reason why I broke up is that I have been getting to know God for the last 5 years. I believe that the breakup was necessary for me and that sacrifice was necessary in order to show gratitude to God.
After the breakup and moving in with my family. My previous life disappeared and I got new experiences. Unknown road.
I have several options and I can’t decide which one to choose.
- The first option is to get married. For as long as I can remember, I have always thought that I have 4 or 5 children and a harmonious family. However, when I tried to kiss for a while with a girl, my sexual organ did not work. It scared and disappointed me so after that experience I was with men. Now that I am finally free of male bonds. Now I don’t know if I am able to have sex with a woman at all. That really bothers me. Men still attract me and I’m not sure if I’m able to extinguish that passion for them.
- Another thing would be to surrender my life to God and become a monk and live in celibacy. I have the impression that only in this way would I be able to extinguish my passion for sin. That is very important for me.
- The third choice is to return to the partner with whom I was in a relationship. Or find another one. However, I have a problem with this third choice, because if I choose that, then there is no God. And I care about God. But I also took this into account. Although it is the last option.
- The fourth choice is to live alone in celibacy, to work, spend time with my parents until their death, and after that I live as a hermit life.
I don’t even know what is the best decision for me. I want to be a monk. But what I really want is to have children. However, I don’t know if that would be possible. Many women would never even look at me if they heard that I had relationships with men. Another thing is that it is difficult to find a woman that I like emotionally. And even less to feel passion for her. Consequently, my passion for women was not detected.
I humbly ask you to give me an answer that could make it easier for me to choose. Because I have the feeling that I am not able to do it alone. I’m with my family right now. However, a few days later I arrived in another city where my partner is, I remembered our apartment we bought together, and hanging out with our cats, I just wanted that life again. The fact that the very next day, when I return home to my family, loneliness, family worries, a city where I have not been there for years, I have no friends. And it’s hard.
I am aware that I want to serve God and that I cannot live with a man,I feel that it is not right. Although, I want it, it is very difficult for me to deal with all of it. I’m not even sure if I can have children because I have no attraction to girls. Sometimes I don’t have the strength to fight. Because I am not able to distinguish what I should choose, and what I should do so that it will be good for God.
TODD ANSWERS: Hello my dear brother,
I hear the pain in your situation. It is in my strongest belief that we are meant to live the way we are meant to. What this means is: we are meant to know ourselves, live our lives following our heart, and do as little harm to ourselves and others as possible.
Our upbringing and the society we are brought up in shape us in countless ways. We may wish to follow our hearts, but that may conflict with how we wish to fulfill the expectations of our religion, community, and friends and family.
Ultimately, we have one life to play, explore, make mistakes, and then get up and try again. I can only suggest you listen to what your heart and your gut are telling you. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only a feeling deep down inside each of us that knows what to do. Meditate on it. Sleep on it. Quiet your mind so you can listen to your heart. And remember, no matter what happens, lasting happiness doesn’t come from temporary circumstances (and everything is temporary). It comes from within.
When things don’t go as we wish, we can always make a change, or at the very least, change how we view and experience our circumstances. The root of suffering is not because things don’t go our way, it’s because we expect things to always go our way. No matter what happens, I know you can find peace, joy and endless love within.
I hope that helps give a little clarity.
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